Christmas at Christmas Time

You’re probably wondering how I went from jilted bride to proud owner of two kids, two dogs and 55,000 Legos.

Alcohol. Lots of alcohol.  I wish I could say that church was the reason The Husband and I stayed together, but quite frankly I have to give wine all the credit.  After being released from the hospital and coming home to my Newlywed Nightmare, I began drinking massive amounts of Cabernet as a coping mechanism.  So much wine, that I’m pretty sure the employees at Central Liquor on Orange received extra bonuses that year.  You’re welcome!

Alcohol, heartache, and a crushed self-esteem does NOT lead one to make wise life decisions.  A few months after the wedding, and in the midst of discussing an annulment, one thing lead to another, and I ended up pregnant.  A baby changes things.  Who am I kidding.  A baby changes everything!  Thankfully this baby saved me from what was sure to be a lifelong AA membership and, at that time, also saved my marriage.

Baby bliss was short-lived.

One thing I’ve learned through my support groups is that narcissists have a habit of ruining every one of their victims major life events.

  • Engagement – check
  • Wedding – check
  • Pregnancy- check

The Husband deployed around month 3 of my pregnancy.  At the beginning, things were, for the most part, fine.  It wasn’t until December(month 6 of pregnancy) that it all went south.  His platoon had been given a special “work trip” to Manila. While there, he informed me that he and his buddies were going to have a night out on the town. This did not make me happy.  Keep in mind, it’s only been a few months since our wedding nightmare and I now have severe trust issues. That night, I managed to sooth myself and remain calm with House Hunter marathons and Velveeta.  It was a nice distraction.  After about 4-5 hours of pretending I wasn’t bothered by this outing, I started texting him for reassurance.  I could see that he was reading my messages, but not responding.  I sent more texts.  No response. More texts, this time frantic and desperate.  No response. I. Was. Worked. Up.  Visions of him lying in bed with a Filipino woman kept me up all night, sick with fear.  To this day, I still don’t know what happened that night because he didn’t respond until the next morning.  And in true narcissist fashion, he responded with a Triangulation Discard.  Lucky me!!

Enter Christmas.  No, not that Christmas.  Christmas, as in Christmas the super fit, super famous, and super athletic blonde beauty.  The Husband face timed me the next morning.  Not to apologize, of course, but to inform me that our relationship just wasn’t going to work out, after all.  He needed someone more like Christmas.  Someone fit, and athletic, and outdoorsy.  Someone who wasn’t afraid of heights.  Someone he could go rock climbing with. Someone that was confident and wouldn’t blow up his phone on a night out with friends. He further proceeded to tell me that we had nothing in common, never had, and never would.  But, as a parting gift, he wanted me to know that he would still be “super involved” in this babies life.  Also, in case I needed a more real world replica of his “ideal woman” I should know about Katy.   I did know about Katy, a little bit.  She was another wife on the platoon and, like Christmas is super fit, super athletic, super beautiful. Katy and Christmas were everything I’m not.

I couldn’t decide if I was confused, devastated or both.  I sobbed so much it made me start to wonder if humans produced a never ending supply of tears? My mind started to disassociate.  Where were all these tears coming from, anyway. My brain? My heart? Is the fluid on my brain actually just tears?  The stress and heartache overwhelmed my body.  If I had been more fit would he still have strayed? What if I was a better cook?  Maybe I could face my fear of heights and then he’ll stay? I envisioned myself at the top of Mt Everest. My fingers were black from frostbite, but hey- who needs fingers?  My already fragile self esteem took a massive nose dive.  Pretty soon, the stress and despair took over my body and the contractions came.  I was only 28 weeks pregnant.  This was NOT good.  Somehow, I was able to pull myself together enough to make it to the maternity hospital.  Sure enough, I was in pre -term labor, they confirmed, with a really painful and really uncomfortable swab test.  Modern medicine is a wonderful thing.  My stay in the hospital was relatively short as the doctors were able to stop labor and calm me down.  I remember telling the nurse what was happening and she sat with me and held my hand as I sobbed.  To this day, I have a fond affection for nurses.  I was sent home with strict instructions for bed rest.  Luckily, I was able to make it full term and my sweet baby boy was born that next spring.

Narcissists have no soul.  They have no empathy.  They don’t care about repercussions or the path of destruction that they leave behind in their wake of abuse.  All they care about is obtaining as much narcissistic supply as possible. Anything to make themselves feel better. If you are currently involved with a narcissist, or suspecting you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, run don’t walk to the nearest exit. The vicious cycle of Idealization, Devaluation, and Discard will continue over and over and over again until you’ve lost your sanity and perhaps your life.

Had I known about narcissistic abuse during this time, I would have been able to make more informed and stable decisions about my relationship.  Instead I internalized the rejection and worked harder to ensure I lived up to his unattainable standards.  I can’t go back in time and inform my 30 year old self. What I can do though, is spread the word and share my story in the hopes that it reaches just the right person at just the right time.

 

 

 

 

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